second time around….a long journey

Going back about 2 years i just didn’t think i’d ever get here, who would think that getting a big large belly could make you just so blissfully happy…but here i am, heading on to 17 weeks, fairly sure now its one not two (but my mad mother in law is not convinced).

It has been a long hard journey here. 

Lots of sad things along the way. After one miscarriage you get over it if you have your head set right, but after two, it gets a little harder. And when its balanced with the age thing you have to set firm boundaries for yourself, and not just let your i want instinct run away with the baton. It has helped so much having a sister who understands as she has suffered loss to here. You need another to connect to. Unless you have lost a baby you just cannot be there emotionally. Empathy and sympathy are two very different things.

The other day a lady saes assistant asked me how far along i was, i happily said 16 weeks. She said she guessed also because i was buying sizes too big for me, in two bright baby doll  tunic tops. the we had a chat and she said she had just lost her baby at ten weeks last week. very sad but i understood her grief.

The hardest thing was not being seriously ill with liver and pancreas illness, that just kind of happened and is out of your control really. It was for me waking up so happily unaware of my loss one day in 2011, knowing i had more than one in my heart and being, not needing someone else to tell me….going to my scan and confirming on the same day it was triplets… and they were gone. That did take some getting over. 

What i took with me is that it does not matter how far along you are. It hurts. whether you are 8 weeks or 8 months you feel the loss.  It just gets harder the further along you are. 

i am in maternity gear now as my belly has decided it is quite happy to pretend it is 6 months not 4, the rest of me is the same, my belly is not listening. I had a belly bean maternity pillow bought for me in a nice pink, and i am in love with it. I nearly died when i found out they are about $90.00, but grateful to have it.

I have just seen my special little one a few weeks ago, and heard its heartbeat just this week. All is well, it has a great strong heart and so far so good. My gp says that i only lost my last pregnancies because of my illness. Apparently the calcium is leeched from your system with my particular illness and the babies just could not get enough bone density to keep going past 7 or 8 weeks. This is comforting as i thought it was just oh well, bad luck too old or just not meant to be.  He said that i have a really good system and joked that our family must be baby making machines as my hormone count was really good, so good that all the signs point to a woman much younger than me. he must mean my older sister, she is a baby making mummy. This is very comforting to hear anyway.

Had my first antenatal midwife appointment last week, it took an hour and a half nearly but when i left with my bounty bag full of goodies i felt so good inside.

I am doing all the things i did not get around to with my first. I guess as i have prior knowledge now and being more settled helps too. My husband got home the other day from farm work and had an antique wooden highchair in his arms. Just what i wanted!!! and it is basically like the icing on the cake now. Everything seems to just happen well now.

I am so very content. I can feel my baby moving inside and its just so lovely. They are those nice roly poly movements and occasionally a good flick. But the moves are moves now not just flutters. It caught me unawares as i did not feel my first child until about 20 weeks. I feel i have longer this time to have fun with it. 

There is no other feeling like it on earth, i feel blessed to have one more chance and i am cherishing it. I thought i was happy with one, pretty content actually but one day it just hit me out of the blue…i couldnt walk around cute baby things, i noticed newborns everywhere, and it just ate at me in a nice way. It is purely a hormonal thing i believe, your body just tells you…go on….do it again….go on. It was a beautiful surprise when i discovered my husband actually felt hte same way but we did not realise. “so you want to do it all over again? me too” he had said matter of factly.

Cleaned the change unit and put it together it looks like new, stored it well. Got everything so i can just pick up the odd fun thing. I have a fisher price aquarium bath this time and a baby bjorn carrier.

Am most happy that wbh and tbh are happy to do shared care so i can attempt a vbac (natural birth after a caesarean). Our loca gp is doing shared care too so i cna do the gp visits close to home. I have to travel to Toowoomba for their own midwife/doctors in two weeks and then again at 36 weeks, but the rest can be done locally. The best thing is if it is day time i will be given the option of going by ambulance rather than the long car drive if my waters have broken and am in proper labor. This is good to know.

So all you ladies out there when you child is tantruming, or crying because he or she needs you, breathe through it, count to ten try some distraction strategies, but love them…they are so precious and grow so quickly. Think of all those sad ladies that desperately want to be a mum and cant or are having trouble and count your blessings, hold you loved ones closer.

Happily fat. buried in baby gear. 



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