As i lay awake listening to the dark, sleep evading me yet again, having stirred from a wrestless half dream, (i have dreamed of you again, my precious unknown) i van hear my husband gently breathing in the otherwise silent morning hours.
I have this sudden urge to go into my little boys bedroom, and stand still in the dark….listening to him breath, rythmically …in and out. I cry, soft tears of pride, but hidden in those tears are some reserved for my sad loss of the special babies i still think about, also for the realisation i may noy ever have you my little angel. It is 3.00 am. Madness.
I go back to bed silently sinking in beside my husband. He has no idea i have cried alone in the dark.
I have my little boy…some people would say i have nothing to be sad about…but i yearn for another child. It aches…my heart. Everyone around me seems to be pregnant.
It is a new month, february has just ticked over. This could be the time but i am too scared of thinking about it so i retire my dream to the back of my mind.
Late February, something feels different. I know it has happened not just because 0f the niggling signs, that you could easily have made up because you are so desperate. No, i FEEL it. Everyone tells me….you know whats happened, just be patient, but i long to scream out…YES!!! you are here, i know it will be ok this time.
Another 3.00 wake up, can’t sleep. I want to do the test. Now. But i know its best to wait a few more hours….but i cant. Its brisk in the cool morning hours. Here i am in the toilet. Test strip in hand watching it….longing for it to go dark damn it, go dark, go dark….whats that…its faaint…are my eyes tricking me. I should have waited. Its too early in the morning…no its too early in the month. technically i should be waiting until march. I just couldnt, i cant even wait a few hours!!!
I have convinced myself i imagined it, so i take the stick out to the kitcken. Its 3.30. I deicide to read and have a cup of tea. I make my tea and as i go past the bench i have another look at the stick before i throw it away….
It’s DARK. TWO LINES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!! I did it.
I did a little happy dance right there in the kitchen, in my nightie, by myself. I leave it right there so the other half cant miss it. We have done it. We might finally be on our way.
April 23rd 2013
She is beautiful. She is perfect. The most gorgeous thing i have ever seen. Now it is my precious little…MY LITTLE GIRL. MINE, that i quietly stare at in the semi darkness, only now i am awake because i am happy, not crying, not longing. I feel complete, whole, like a gap is filled. It took 2 years, long, sometimes deeply sad years, (n0t always, just sometimes) to find you.
Now i have you i will never let you go.
There is no sound more than your gently breathing at 3.00 in the morning i would rather hear. i will miss s thousand hours sleep to listen to you breathe my sweet precious little sophia rose.
Mummy loves you.